Jokes Thread - It's XMAS People!!!!!

[Jangle]

> > All passengers are in the gate area
> waiting anxiously to board their
> >>> > > Air Jamaica flight to the UK. The
> flight crew are now about to
> >>> > > board,
> >>> > > with the Co-pilot arriving. He is
> impeccably dressed in his uniform,
> >>> > > wearing dark glasses and with a
> white cane finding his way to the
> >>> > > gate. The airline flight attendants
> explain to the passengers, that
> >>> > > although he is blind, he is one of
> the best co-pilots in the
> >>> > > company.
> >
> > > > A few moments later, the Pilot arrives. He
> too is impeccably dressed
> > > > in
> > his uniform, dark glasses
> > and a white cane, and he is being assisted by two
> flight attendants. The
> > Representa
tive in charge at the waiting area assures
> the passengers that
> > although the Pilot is blind, he is the best pilot in
> the
> > company, and together with the Co-pilot, they are the
> most experienced
> > team
> > in the cockpit.
> >
> > With everyone on board, the plane is now ready to take
> to the runway,
> > ready
> > to take its turn. Now on the runway, the Air Jamaica
> flight increases its
> > speed ready for take off...more and more the speed is
> increasing. Still
> > continuing down the runway the plane does not take
> off; it continues to
> > run
> > but
> > stays on the ground.
> >
> > By this time the passengers are terrified as they all
> realize that the end
> > of the runway is getting
> > closer and closer, and in an explosion of general
> hysteria, all of the
> > passengers start screaming
> > as if they are possessed. At that very moment the
> plane miraculously lifts
> > off.
> >
> > The Pilot calmly turns to the Co-pilot and says:
> "Any day de passenger dem
> > no scream....we
> > salt!!!'

[Lazie]

Well, one thing fi sure ... dem nuh deaf!! Good one Jangle.

[Historian]

A Donkey Joke?

A Donkey Joke


A man from Kingston moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, but me have some bad news... the donkey dead.”


“Wha’? Well den, just gi me back mi money.”


“Can’t do that. Mi spend dat already.”


“Okay, then. Just leave the donkey with me.”


“What you a go do wid him?”


“Me a go raffle dat.”


“You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!”


“Yeah man, watch me. Mi just nah tell nobody seh ‘im dead.”

A month later the farmer met up with the Kingston man and asked, “What happen wid dat dead donkey?”


“Dat get raffle off boss. Mi sell 500 ticket fi $2 apiece and mek a profit of $998.”


“Suh nobaddy nuh cuss?”


“Ongle di man whey win. So me gi im back im $2.”

[Historian]

My Top 10 Fav Marriage Jokes!


JOKE 1
A wife, one evening, drew her husband’s attention to the couple next door and said, “Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don’t you do that?”

“I would love to,” replied the husband, “but I don't know her well enough.”


JOKE 2

Wife: You delivered an excellent speech.
Hubby: Thanks dear, but the audience was full of fools and idiots.
Wife: Is that why you addressed them as your brothers and sisters?


JOKE 3

According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren’t fantasizing.


JOKE 4

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.”

She replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”


JOKE 5

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, “I’ve found a man just like father!”

Her mother replied, “So what do you want from me, sympathy?”


JOKE 6

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.


JOKE 7

Young Son: Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.


JOKE 8

Three women were talking about their love lives.
The first said: “My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated.”
The second said: “Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful.”
The third said: “Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it’s still going.”



JOKE 9

Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.”



JOKE 10

The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why?” she asks.
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.”

[Bruce]

The Friendly Skies Of Air Jamaica

PILOT TO PASSENGERS ON INTERCOM, JUST AFTER TAKEOFF:

"Hello, I am your pilot, Clive Smith and welcome to Air Jamaica Flight 51 from Chicago to Montego Bay. Our flight will last approximately 3 hours and 45 minutes. We will arrive of 11:45 am in Montego Bay, where the weather forecast is partly cloudy with a high temperature of 85 degrees. If there is anything any member of our crew can do to make your flight more enjoyable, please let one of the flight attendants know."

(PILOT THEN TALKS TO CO-PILOT, BUT THE INTERCOM SWITCH IS STILL ON

"Ok Ian, take over. Mi go to latrine an take unna sh*t, den mi go innah dah back and f*ck the ******************** and di pummmpummm off di stewardess"

Of course, this is heard all over the plane. The stewardess comes racing out of the back, trips and falls. She falls next to an elderly woman, who helps her up, and tells the stewardess "There's no need to rush, sweetie. You heard the pilot. He said first he wanted to take a sh*t!"

[Jangle]

[Peter R]

Restaurant Pickup











A Jamaican guy enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for a bottle of the most expensive champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it she will be his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly take s it over to the young lady, saying that its from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note back to the jamaican, the note reads…

"For me to accept this bottle you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million in the bank and 9 inches in your trousers."

After Reading this note the Jamaican sends back a note of his own, it reads…

"jus su yuh know…me av a bran new benz an a bran new bimma park up inna mi yard, an mi av over 10 million inna de bank but nuhbaddy an mi mean NUHBADDY nah gon mek mi cut 3 inch off a wah mi av inna mi pants…suh yuh can jus sen back di champagne!"








Rastaman Divorce Hearing









A Jamaican Rasta man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumped u p and said, "Your Honor. I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody."




The judge turns to the husband and says, "What do you have to say in the matter?" The Rasta man sat for a while contemplating, then slowly rose. Your Honor, if I man put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, whose Pepsi is i t, 'I and I' or the machine's?





New Truck

One day, Rambo was walking down King Street when he saw his friend Shabba driving a brand new pickup. Shabba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Shabba, whe you get dat truck?!?"

"Wendy give it to me" Shabba replied.
"She give it to you? Mi know seh she did like yuh off but a new truck?"

"Well, Rambo, mek mi tell yuh wha happen. We wuz a drive up Hope Rd las nite. Wendy pull off de road, put de truck in 4-wheel drive and reach Hope gardens. She park up de truck, get out, trow off all har clothes and seh 'Shabba, take whatever you want'.


So me tek de truck!"

"Shabba, you is a smart man!"
Dem clothes woulda never fit you!"

[Peter R]

>>A man had two great tickets for the FIFA World Cup final.
>>
>>As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is
>>sitting in the seat next to him.
>>
>>"No", he says, "The seat is empty".
>>
>>
>>"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would
>>have a seat like this for the World Cup final, the biggest sporting
>>event in
>>the year, and not use it?"
>>
>>He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was
>>supposed
>>to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final
>>we
>>haven't been together since we got married".
>>
>>"Oh . I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't
>>find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take
>>the
>>seat?"
>>
>>The man shakes his head...
>>
>>"No. They're all at the funeral