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'Protesterone'
'Protesterone'
published: Monday | May 21, 2007
Garth Rattray
Jamaica is number one in many spheres. We produce the world's best coffee (Blue Mountain coffee), the world's fastest man (Asafa Powell), the best song of the 20th century (One Love by Bob Marley), possibly the most churches per capita and the most murders per capita. We also seem to have more demonstrations than anywhere else in the world, and, we found the hormone responsible for it: protesterone.
Protesterone is secreted by a hitherto unknown endocrine (ductless) gland situated behind the stomach and close to the aorta. Since people with elevated levels of protesterone are Motivated to Animatedly Demonstrate and Disrupt (M.A.D.D.), we have named it the RU-M.A.D.D. gland, pending proper scientific designation. Because of its anatomical location (within the abdomen), secretions from the gland endow individuals with a false sense of bravado (the mistaken impression that he/she has 'guts').
Non-selective
The gland is usually quiescent but is readily stimulated by irritability and/or frustration brought on by any perception of injustice. Protesterone has an exaggerated effect on unemployed persons. It causes individuals to seek out others and to assemble, bearing hastily prepared cardboard placards. It also causes dysgraphia - individuals misspell words and write them back to front. Protesterone may also produce uncontrollable aggressive facial expressions (known as 'screwface'). Additionally, individuals experience an overwhelming desire to punctuate every audible or inaudible statement made by anyone with repeated nauseating chants of, 'We want justice!!'
Protesterone is non-selective. Once the herd mentality is invoked, groups of people feel compelled to gather assorted debris from their surroundings and obstruct the free passage of innocent, productive citizens (and sometimes tourists) that have absolutely nothing to do with the perceived injustice that precipitated the secretion of the hormone in the first place.
This hormone is to blame for the (sometimes irrepressible) need to set tyres and other flammable material (like garbage trucks) ablaze.
Protesterone secretion increases exponentially and peaks when TV cameras appear. It robs everyone of the ability to verbalise calmly and softly. Whenever microphones are brought within feet of a gathered throng, protesterone causes uncontrollable shouting, accompanied by distension of the jugular veins and flying spittle.
Protesterone often leads to irrational and illegal behaviour. Just recently, sugar industry workers at the Bernard Lodge Estate locked the gates and blocked it with a huge tractor while the managers were inside the compound. The workers refused to unlock the gate and free their 'hostages' until the TVJ cameras arrived and publicised their grouses.
Treatment modalities
Several treatment modalities have been proposed to reduce or eliminate protesterone production. The position of the gland does not render it amenable to surgery and ablation therapy is technically difficult. As with many maladies, prevention is the best policy. From time to time, politicians are ignorant of existing problems or unable to effect change because of scarce resources. Sometimes they are part of the trouble. Jamaica, therefore, needs highly publicised, independent, easily accessible and effective advocacy groups empowered (by legislation) to get speedy and tangible results when called upon to act on behalf of disgruntled citizens.
We also need a network of people mandated to gather information on situations that may irritate and/or frustrate enough to cause a secretion of protesterone. We know that frontal lobe activity (rational thought) can suppress protesterone release from the RU-M.A.D.D. gland. The
Government must therefore instil fear of the consequences of illegal activities - like the blocking of the roads, unlawful obstruction and holding people against their will - by using the same cameras that help stimulateProtesterone secretion to prosecute illegal protestors.
Dr. Garth A. Rattray is a medical doctor with a family practice.
published: Monday | May 21, 2007
Garth Rattray
Jamaica is number one in many spheres. We produce the world's best coffee (Blue Mountain coffee), the world's fastest man (Asafa Powell), the best song of the 20th century (One Love by Bob Marley), possibly the most churches per capita and the most murders per capita. We also seem to have more demonstrations than anywhere else in the world, and, we found the hormone responsible for it: protesterone.
Protesterone is secreted by a hitherto unknown endocrine (ductless) gland situated behind the stomach and close to the aorta. Since people with elevated levels of protesterone are Motivated to Animatedly Demonstrate and Disrupt (M.A.D.D.), we have named it the RU-M.A.D.D. gland, pending proper scientific designation. Because of its anatomical location (within the abdomen), secretions from the gland endow individuals with a false sense of bravado (the mistaken impression that he/she has 'guts').
Non-selective
The gland is usually quiescent but is readily stimulated by irritability and/or frustration brought on by any perception of injustice. Protesterone has an exaggerated effect on unemployed persons. It causes individuals to seek out others and to assemble, bearing hastily prepared cardboard placards. It also causes dysgraphia - individuals misspell words and write them back to front. Protesterone may also produce uncontrollable aggressive facial expressions (known as 'screwface'). Additionally, individuals experience an overwhelming desire to punctuate every audible or inaudible statement made by anyone with repeated nauseating chants of, 'We want justice!!'
Protesterone is non-selective. Once the herd mentality is invoked, groups of people feel compelled to gather assorted debris from their surroundings and obstruct the free passage of innocent, productive citizens (and sometimes tourists) that have absolutely nothing to do with the perceived injustice that precipitated the secretion of the hormone in the first place.
This hormone is to blame for the (sometimes irrepressible) need to set tyres and other flammable material (like garbage trucks) ablaze.
Protesterone secretion increases exponentially and peaks when TV cameras appear. It robs everyone of the ability to verbalise calmly and softly. Whenever microphones are brought within feet of a gathered throng, protesterone causes uncontrollable shouting, accompanied by distension of the jugular veins and flying spittle.
Protesterone often leads to irrational and illegal behaviour. Just recently, sugar industry workers at the Bernard Lodge Estate locked the gates and blocked it with a huge tractor while the managers were inside the compound. The workers refused to unlock the gate and free their 'hostages' until the TVJ cameras arrived and publicised their grouses.
Treatment modalities
Several treatment modalities have been proposed to reduce or eliminate protesterone production. The position of the gland does not render it amenable to surgery and ablation therapy is technically difficult. As with many maladies, prevention is the best policy. From time to time, politicians are ignorant of existing problems or unable to effect change because of scarce resources. Sometimes they are part of the trouble. Jamaica, therefore, needs highly publicised, independent, easily accessible and effective advocacy groups empowered (by legislation) to get speedy and tangible results when called upon to act on behalf of disgruntled citizens.
We also need a network of people mandated to gather information on situations that may irritate and/or frustrate enough to cause a secretion of protesterone. We know that frontal lobe activity (rational thought) can suppress protesterone release from the RU-M.A.D.D. gland. The
Government must therefore instil fear of the consequences of illegal activities - like the blocking of the roads, unlawful obstruction and holding people against their will - by using the same cameras that help stimulateProtesterone secretion to prosecute illegal protestors.
Dr. Garth A. Rattray is a medical doctor with a family practice.
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