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“You Know Those __ Are Controlling”: Black Folks Who Won’t Date “Other” Kinds Of Black Folks
February 7, 2014 ‐ By Charing Ball
Source: Shutterstock
In an essay entitled Stick to dating within your own culture! in This Is Africa, writer Mell Nyoko discusses the pressure among some continental and non-continental born African youth to not date inter-culturally – unless it is with white people.
She writes:
Being curious about the source of her uncle’s sentiments, Nyoko decided to ask around in her circle of African friends, who mostly live abroad, and found that many of them too can relate to the pressures from family members to limit their dating prospects to those of similar backgrounds. Sentiments like, “As long as they are not Jamaican,” and “No Nigerian, Ghanaian or Jamaican man is welcome in my house,” were not unusual to hear coming from the mouths of African mothers and fathers. Of course, the one caveat to this ban on intercultural dating is white people.
Nyoko recalls the story of a friend, who too was given the white-exception clause to inter-cultural relationships after confessing to her mother her interest in a Nigerian beau. When her friend questioned her mother about the exception, her mother allegedly responded with: “White people don’t have much culture; it’s easy to adapt either way. Why would you want to be with a Nigerian? Look how strong their culture is. Are there no more Congolese men? Stop wasting your time; you’ll regret it when you get older. How many marriages do you know of people from two different African countries that have lasted till old age? No. Stick to your own culture. It’s for your own good.”
As long as whiteness is tied to economic and social upward mobility, we will always have misguided yet well-meaning black parents, regardless of what part of the diaspora they may hail, encouraging their children to marry and date “up” in the world. And also of no surprise is the idea that language as well as cultural understanding would be part of the reason why black Africans would be hesitant to engage in cross-cultural romances.
Identity is important – as pointed out by Nyoko, who writes of her own experience dating men from other parts of the continent and not feeling welcomed among their family, who would “purposely speak in their language to exclude me.”
But even as she personally is inclined to stick to her own kind romantically, Nyoko ponders on one key benefit to Africans seeking out cross-cultural loves connections:
There is not much data on intra-racial relationships in the global black community. As a people of the same hue but from different birthplaces, we still tend to get lumped in together statistically. But I am all too familiar with the warnings from those concerned friends and family about dating and/or marrying black folks from outside of the continental U.S. Warnings included, “watch out for the Jamaican men because they are possessive and will likely put a curse on you” – this was told to me once by a friend, who said that her sister’s Jamaican boyfriend put some sort of curse on a rope chain (clearly this was back in the day) that when removed, would result in her hair falling out. I thought that her sister was just making excuses for staying with someone she had no business being with and should probably take some fish oil capsules to deal with the hair issues, but you can’t tell folks nothing. And you can’t tell folks that not all African men (doesn’t matter the country) are all controlling as well as unrepentant womanizers, as the dating stereotype suggests. For me, it’s clear that this intra-racial romantic discrimination is pretty universally practiced.
Meanwhile, our romantic adherence to cultural norms and expectations leaves little room for actual love and having a choice in who we love. Nor does it leave us with many options. You can almost see why the dating pool for professional black women worldwide remains relatively slim, especially when we are limiting ourselves to black men or even a sub-set of black men, who aren’t exactly doing the same.
But that’s just my opinion. I’m curious to hear what folks think about cross-cultural stereotypes about dating. Are there some black cultures you won’t date or do you treat your love life like the neighborhood Baskin Robbins: 51 flavors and counting
http://madamenoire.com/346478/the-st...#disqus_thread
February 7, 2014 ‐ By Charing Ball
Source: Shutterstock
In an essay entitled Stick to dating within your own culture! in This Is Africa, writer Mell Nyoko discusses the pressure among some continental and non-continental born African youth to not date inter-culturally – unless it is with white people.
She writes:
“Many question the wisdom of interracial dating, but actually, we [Africans] seem to have an equally big problem with dating between one African culture and another. Or rather, we might date outside our own culture but when it comes to marriage we are advised to stick with “our own”. As one uncle put it to me [I’m Congolese], “If you married a Nigerian, how would you cope if he wanted to retire in Nigeria? Think about it. I doubt he will want to move back to Congo. You will just die in Nigeria. Love blinds common sense.”
Nyoko recalls the story of a friend, who too was given the white-exception clause to inter-cultural relationships after confessing to her mother her interest in a Nigerian beau. When her friend questioned her mother about the exception, her mother allegedly responded with: “White people don’t have much culture; it’s easy to adapt either way. Why would you want to be with a Nigerian? Look how strong their culture is. Are there no more Congolese men? Stop wasting your time; you’ll regret it when you get older. How many marriages do you know of people from two different African countries that have lasted till old age? No. Stick to your own culture. It’s for your own good.”
As long as whiteness is tied to economic and social upward mobility, we will always have misguided yet well-meaning black parents, regardless of what part of the diaspora they may hail, encouraging their children to marry and date “up” in the world. And also of no surprise is the idea that language as well as cultural understanding would be part of the reason why black Africans would be hesitant to engage in cross-cultural romances.
Identity is important – as pointed out by Nyoko, who writes of her own experience dating men from other parts of the continent and not feeling welcomed among their family, who would “purposely speak in their language to exclude me.”
But even as she personally is inclined to stick to her own kind romantically, Nyoko ponders on one key benefit to Africans seeking out cross-cultural loves connections:
“In our parents’ generation we know marrying within their own culture – even tribe – was paramount as they tried to maintain cultural cohesion and identity. However, even in Congo a country that boasts a long history of tribalism, there came a time during the Mobutu regime when he encouraged tribes and regions to unite because he understood that a united Congo meant a stronger state. Can we apply the same line of reasoning to our argument and suggest that perhaps if we as Africans remain open to marrying people from other African countries, could we also have a stronger and united Africa?”
Meanwhile, our romantic adherence to cultural norms and expectations leaves little room for actual love and having a choice in who we love. Nor does it leave us with many options. You can almost see why the dating pool for professional black women worldwide remains relatively slim, especially when we are limiting ourselves to black men or even a sub-set of black men, who aren’t exactly doing the same.
But that’s just my opinion. I’m curious to hear what folks think about cross-cultural stereotypes about dating. Are there some black cultures you won’t date or do you treat your love life like the neighborhood Baskin Robbins: 51 flavors and counting
http://madamenoire.com/346478/the-st...#disqus_thread
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