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A sorry storm for Rastamouse and Glenn Hoddle, created by the sad and lazy
Last updated at 12:36 AM on 16th February 2011
Forget Glenn Hoddle for a moment. Let's start with Rastamouse. Always there to make a bad ting good, as the song goes, you will find him on CBeebies, where he is fighting crime and exuding positive, mellow, reggae-soaked vibes for the nursery school set. For how much longer, who can say? Rastamouse, it was reported this week, has drawn more than 100 complaints since it was first broadcast on January 31. Some object to the characters using Jamaican patois; others claim using Jamaican patois makes the programme racist. In a country of roughly 60million people, 100 contradictory complaints about a knitted rodent puppet do not amount to very much. You could put the test card on for an hour and a 100 people would find something to moan about.
Harmless fun: The BBC's RastamouseYet in our world of Twitter storms and flash mobs, a handful of twerps with their knickers in a twist are enough to grab a headline, so Rastamouse is now under scrutiny. Random contributions lifted from website forums have replaced reasoned thought. A lazy journalist can select a few incendiary comments and concoct a controversy out of it, as if the outrage is real or meaningful.
We no longer ask who is making the judgement, and whether this person is reasonable or responsible; we no longer check credentials. Those taking umbrage at the use of Caribbean slang on children's television might be members of the British National Party. Those crying racism could be the type of serial complainers who turn a harmless euphemism such as 'jungle drums' - meaning gossip - aired at a meeting of a local health watchdog in a scout hut, into a saga that dragged on for months at Wiltshire County Council.
People now book holidays using TripAdvisor where thousands of conflicting reviews render the process worthless. I've just looked at the hotel I'm staying at in Milan. 'I wouldn't call it luxurious,' sniffed the first contributor. Yes, but what are his standards? Who knows? He could be the Sultan of Brunei and used to an incredible standard of accommodation, so what he feels is mediocre remains very upmarket to the man in the street. Then again, the writer could be potless, and the place really is a dump.
We have no context any more, just opinion after opinion. The reception staff were 'dishevelled and slightly annoyed' and ignored customers while talking on their mobile phones. The staff were 'very polite and helpful' and booked train tickets to Venice for guests with great efficiency. So who is right? Whose opinion do we trust? Is Rastamouse racist or provocatively racial? And what about Glenn Hoddle?
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In Monday night's coverage of Fulham's draw with Chelsea, Hoddle made what he considered to be a humorous remark about the failing control of Fernando Torres. Now Glenn is a lot of things, including an insightful and interesting reader of the game, but a stand-up comic he is not. 'When Glenn tried to be funny it was time to pass round the laughing gas because he was probably the unfunniest man I have ever known,' wrote Tony Cascarino in his autobiography, Full Time. And it is fair to say this was one of those moments.
Hoddle said Torres's control reminded him of the Chinese footballer, Knee Shin Toe. Lame, I agree. But harmless. That is the bottom line. No offence to Chinese people is intended and Hoddle does not demean a race or its culture. This is plainly a line that has been knocking around for years like the gag in which someone gives the time as 'Chinese dentist' when they mean 2.30 (tooth hurty, geddit?).
Hoddle said Torres's control reminded him of the Chinese footballer, Knee Shin Toe. Lame, I agree. But harmless. That is the bottom line. No offence to Chinese people is intended and Hoddle does not demean a race or its culture. This is plainly a line that has been knocking around for years like the gag in which someone gives the time as 'Chinese dentist' when they mean 2.30 (tooth hurty, geddit?).
Hoddle wasn't being very original or particularly amusing; but he definitely wasn't being racist. The samples of public opinion required to cause controversy are now so small, however, that within minutes there was a storm brewing around his comments. One hoped it would begin and end with a few busybodies having their say on Twitter.
In the present climate, however, particularly with Sky so sensitive in the wake of the departure of Richard Keys and Andy Gray, the wheels of the bandwagon were already in motion. Perhaps a man in an office in Isleworth was about to strike Hoddle's name from a list of Sky co-commentators. Whatever the background, Hoddle said sorry, just in case. 'I can only apologise to those who took offence,' he grovelled. 'There's no excuse. It's an old football expression and I understand I can't say things like that.'
Hoddle may have been advised to issue a statement to preserve his broadcasting career. Yet for the majority, the apology was the real outrage, not the joke. It set a precedent that may one day see each broadcast concluded by offerings of regret.
'Well that about wraps it up from Craven Cottage and, before we go, Sky would like to take this opportunity to apologise to anyone who was offended by anything. Whatever it was that happened will not happen again and Sky does not condone such behaviour, if indeed there was any.
'In addition, we would like to apologise to anyone who is offended by this apology, or by any apologies, past or future, not to mention pieces of film that were never broadcast, 11-year-old out-takes and that joke the floor manager made while waiting for a coffee in the outside broadcast canteen two years ago.
'As a precaution we have sacked the entire staff and will now proceed with a programme of light classical music until we can come up with a list of words it is permissible to say. Sky News, meanwhile, will continue to air as normal, because the world being run by madmen and psychopaths is apparently less offensive than a throwaway remark about ball control, made by the former manager of Swindon Town.
'That's it from me. I'm off to buy a hair shirt and the producer will be available for a light stoning at the studio gates in 20 minutes. Good night from all of us here at Sky. And sorry.'
'That's it from me. I'm off to buy a hair shirt and the producer will be available for a light stoning at the studio gates in 20 minutes. Good night from all of us here at Sky. And sorry.'
If we apologise for every moment of colour in the language then real instances of racism will become indistinguishable from these faux controversies. The debate must be honed if we are to identify the true enemies of progress.
When Sky's coverage was in its infancy a very famous former England footballer was booked as a studio guest. The prematch talk, on air, turned to the form of a young winger who was considered a star of the future.
The guest said he didn't expect a lot from him in this game. Pressed, he explained it was cold and he 'never fancied the black lads much' in this sort of weather. Unsurprisingly, he made two Sky appearances that night: his first and his last.
Had Hoddle (right) made a remark as unsophisticated as that, had he compared Torres's control with that of Chinese forwards generally on the grounds that they're all useless because they can't see the ball through those slitty eyes, then there would be a case to answer. As it is, he offered a weak one-liner based around the corruption of Chinese names. Ni Shinto would actually have some meaning in Japanese but fortunately for Hoddle he hasn't accidentally slandered the victims of the Hiroshima bomb or called the Emperor's mum a half-wit. With his form, however, give it time.
We need to pull back from these po-faced inquisitions before it is too late, before we close down language and expression in this country.
The ridiculous 'jungle drums' investigation in Wiltshire was justified by deputy council leader John Thomson on the grounds that 'the law states that what matters is not the intention of the statement, but whether anybody was offended by it'.
Using this logic, any comment is potentially racist on the basis that a person might randomly deem it so. That this person might be wrong, misguided, spiteful, dumber than squirrels, drunk, on medication or bored out if his tiny mind with a Twitter account lying dormant and nothing of worth to do, is apparently no longer the issue. A slow news day and a tiny network of attention-seeking complainers is enough to start a commotion in modern Britain.
It seems that having put the heads of Keys and Gray on spikes, some are still not satisfied. Reasonable people accept this has gone too far. Yet we are deaf to sanity and allow these feeble hair-trigger minds to set the agenda. We know Hoddle is not a racist. We know Rastamouse is harmless. So, as Benny Hill would have said, why you no risten?
Youth policies require luck and largesse to scoop trophies
In the novel Scoop by Evelyn Waugh, writer John Courteney Boot spends 'some harrowing months among the Patagonian Indians' and pens a book called 'Waste of Time'. If Frank Arnesen ever writes his autobiography, the chapter dealing with his spell as Chelsea's sporting director will surely go by the same name.
Arnesen (below), who leaves in the summer, oversaw a £60million investment in youth but now says a policy of this nature is for clubs who do not wish to win trophies but are keen to qualify for the Champions League. He did not actually name Arsenal, but the inference is clear.
As dispiriting as this view may be, Arnesen has a point. To succeed at the ultimate level with youth requires tremendous fortune - whimsical, not fiscal - because so many good players have to come along at once. What happened at Manchester United to forge the Treble-winning team was a fluke, and the club have not come close to repeating it since.
Good practice will always play a part but as many first-class players came out of one youth team as have made it at Old Trafford since, and that is a break that happens once in a lifetime for a manager, if ever.
Sir Alex Ferguson still gives young players a chance, but these days they are as likely to be imported as raw material and finished by the club, such as Rafael or Chris Smalling.
Since 1999, United's youth system has produced one England regular in Wes Brown and can count the remainder of its success stories on one hand: Darren Fletcher, John O'Shea, Jonny Evans, perhaps Darron Gibson or Danny Welbeck if they train on.
This is not to discredit Manchester United; more it is the standard bounty of a successful youth system. It was what happened in the previous decade that was exceptional.
Arsene Wenger, the Arsenal manager, said that only West Ham United have had the capacity to emulate Manchester United in the Premier League era, with the youth team that included Frank Lampard, Rio Ferdinand, Joe Cole, Michael Carrick and Jermain Defoe. West Ham's owners did not have the vision or the capital to put that windfall to work, however, and the moment was lost.
Barcelona have had a wonderful youth set-up for many years, but it took a golden generation including Gerard Pique, Xavi and Lionel Messi to inspire the team we see now. When this group move on, there is no guarantee of success for the next.
Ajax's youth system is closest to a production line in Europe and, with an average age of 23, Louis van Gaal's Champions League winning team in 1994-95 were impossibly young; but they were also the club's last.
Arnesen said clubs invariably spend to win, and while Chelsea are hardly the greatest advertisement for this policy right now, it is true that even the best-run youth system needs supplanting.
Manchester United and Barcelona bought upgrades in players like Andy Cole and David Villa. Chelsea spent £60m but did not have the one thing money can never buy: good old-fashioned luck.
Wilshere sends wrong message
There was something all too familiar in Jack Wilshere's assertion that Arsenal need to get nasty against Barcelona tonight. It was exactly what the Premier League's supposed brutes say about playing Arsenal.
Where have you heard this sentiment before? 'We have to get in their faces and show them what we're about,' said Wilshere. 'We need to be a bit nasty to get the ball back.' From the mouth of a scowling centre half at one of the smaller clubs, it would be exactly the sort of game plan that Arsene Wenger says results in broken legs.
Wilshere qualified his statements, saying he spoke of nastiness only in a football sense, but players at Stoke City or Birmingham City do not overtly talk of causing injury either. It is unthinkable that managers such as Tony Pulis or Alex McLeish send out their players with instructions to harm.
Jack Wilshere: 'Nasty' talk prior to Arsenal's clash with BarcelonaWenger never alleges that, either. He does believe, however, that there is a certain aggressive turn of phrase that helps create the climate in which accidents happen. Getting in the faces of the opposition is one such expression. What does it imply if not that Arsenal are going to try to rough up Barcelona's best players, to see if they fancy it? It is a very English concept.
The problem is that opponents have been trying to physically subdue players like Messi or Xavi since they were boys at the Barcelona academy. It rarely works.
Inter Milan were quite magnificent, holding out with 10 men in the Nou Camp last year, but this was a team at the peak of their powers, the eventual European and Italian champions. Arsenal are not in the same class as a defensive force and cannot be remodelled this way for one game.
Hard work is not illegal, and there must be plenty of that, but Arsenal should not consider embracing the dark side even if they fear, in a straight football match, they can only lose. To surrender the principles of the club, too, would risk a double defeat.
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