Friday Jokes

[Jangle]

Dear Mr. Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe
this.

How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and
knows

that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the
Federal

Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all
the

income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health

insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn
passports

I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to
fill out

before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all
those

insufferable census forms that are done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's
name is

Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded
if that

ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

****************!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. I'm really ****************ed off this morning.
Between you

an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to
my

house, then you ask me for my f---in' address. What is going on? You
have a

gang of Neanderthal ****************************s workin' there!

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to
dig up

Yasser Arafat, for **************** sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a
sandy

beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a **************** whether I
plan

on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do

something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as
hell not

want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the
city and

get another f---in' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of
$60!!!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot
to

assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??

Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather
have us

running all over the f---in' place like chickens with our heads cut
off,

then find some **************************** to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn
picture

- you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (f---in'

morons)

Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally ****************ed off!

Signed - An Irate f---ing Canadian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone
to

confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since
1776

when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans. I have
served

in the military for something over 30 years and have had security
clearances

up the yingyang.

I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for ten
years

and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five
years.

However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you
know,

someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST f---ing
CHINA
=

[Jangle]

Bulls hit and Brilliance

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by , he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says. 'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts .. age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bulls hit and brilliance only come with age and experience.