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Dear God, find me a husband
By NADINE WILSON all woman writer
Monday, May 26, 2008
THERE are some things that do not mix well - like oil and water or cats and dogs, biblical principles dictate that a believer and a non-believer are unequally yoked if they decide to have a relationship.
It's a perfectly logical theory, and it has for decades kept the church sterile from the world, ensuring that marriages came from within for the most part, and that proper, church sanctioned unions were the order of the day to ensure the nuclear ideal as divinely dictated.
But there is one problem some Christians say the Bible does not account for - that more and more, there are fewer men than women in the church, in some cases even, where a whole generation of young marriageable males are replaced by the old or the very young, causing concern.
Because how can one expect to stand by the Bible's principles that you are "evenly" yoked; and too, that you exercise your right to find a mate and procreate when there's no one to procreate with?
So while many Christian women play the watch and wait game, others have been rethinking the Bible's view, and with chastity and celibacy out the door, they fufil their need for family and companionship by looking outside the church for a suitable partner.
Jacqueline, who has been a Christian for the past eight years, tells all woman that she tried a relationship with a Christian brother before going outside to find her mate.
Her first relationship she says, was with a Christian man who failed to help her maintain her "principles" and did not show much commitment to the relationship as he was involved with someone else in the church. Since then she has entered into another relationship with a non-Christian who she says helps her to uphold her Christian principles.
"Although he has objections about certain things which happens within the church, he respects my principles and helps me to keep them, but at the same time he is committed to the relationship," she says.
These principles, she says, include not engaging in sex before marriage as well as engaging in meaningful Bible studies, going to church and getting involved in various ministries.
"Knowing what I came out of and knowing the unequally yoked scenario, I made sure I talked with God first before I got wrapped up into a situation that I am not supposed to be in. After talking with God and He answered, then I chose to go into the relationship and I have not regretted it," she says.
Other Christian women are impatiently waiting, some, like 29-year-old Valerie Chin, even attaching a timeline to how much longer she will wait before she opts to go mate-hunting outside.
Chin says she went back into the church two years ago with the full expectation of finding a partner and settling down after years of living "a sinner's life".
"But when I got there, the only young man in the church was the drummer. And it was obvious that all the other young women wanted him. My other option was between some old, old men, and wishing and hoping."
She said even after switching locations the struggle continues.
"I went to another church, not desperate but still searching, you know...And I was approached by what I could clearly see was the 'dun lef', the one young man who nobody else wanted, came and started lyricsing me off.(
woeeee)I would have laughed if it wasn't so sad! Now I'm giving it a few more months to see if it's worth it."
Shauna Brown says that what she does is visit different churches every Sabbath, in hopes of catching the eye of someone who's marriageable.
Having just turned 31, Brown says she does not have the option of looking outside, as her father holds a high position in the church she attends.
"I feel bad, I feel hopeless sometimes because all my friends are married. The problem in my church isn't that there isn't men, it's about what they come to the table with," she says.
It's something Christian brother Christopher can relate to, as he says, on the other side of the coin, while one would expect that the brothers in the church would have much luck finding a suitable wife, this is not the case.
"It is not easy because most of them are very picky. They want the perfect man, they are looking for the fairy tale kind of thing and they will always get hurt with that," he says.
Said Brown: "I'm university educated and that's another challenge. I can't find anyone to match me on that level, and I can't settle for less. God will provide."
Joan Rhule, a counselling psychologist with the Family Life Ministries, explains the 'God will provide' theory, saying that though challenging, some single women in the church have been managing to live up to their Christian beliefs.
"There are some women who really want to get married but because of their belief in the scripture of being unequally yoked, they stay put. But although it affects them, they still remain steadfast to their values and principles of the church and they really cope by getting involved in activities and having a mindset that God would provide one day," she tells all woman.
And about the Bible's view that it is not good for an individual to lack companionship, Rhule asserts: "If God lays down a commandment, He expects that we abide by the commandment and He speaks about being unequally yoked with unbeliever and a man who is not a Christian is definitely an unbeliever."
Sheryl, a 36-year-old Christian woman knows firsthand about being tied to an unbeliever, and though still searching for a mate, is thanking God for helping her make the right decision to dump her unbelieving high school sweetheart after she got saved 12 years ago.
"It was not in the will of the Lord, so that had to be broken off. I am just waiting on God, waiting for the right person. I am waiting for a person who loves God as much as I do. If it happens, so be it, if it dosen't't happen, so be it, I will be fine," she says.
But she too expresses concern about the ratio of men to women in the church, though she has not given up on her desire to have a husband and children.
"I look at it and I say there is no man in here for me for even my eye to catch, to say okay, he could make a perfect husband. The one who you probably think could go, they married already and they gone, so you find that the church is suffering because you find less men wanting to serve God, but in the same breath, I believe that if we pray earnestly and it is a desire, then God would work on the desires of our heart if it is His will," she says.
The decision to be alone is never an easy one, Sheryl says, for her it means becoming frustrated and feeling a deep sense of loneliness at times which she is able to overcome only when she seeks advice from other Christian friends.
"At times you become frustrated. Frustrated because when you look in the church, there are no men. And when you look in the prisons they are overpopulated with them. And when you look at the bars or the race track there are so many men there you have to wonder."
This frustration she says is what lead other Christians to get involved with persons outside of the church.
"For some women, they think their biological clock is ticking and they feel that okay I need to have a child. So sometimes you find that they go outside of the church and they have their child or children and they come back...nobody wants to be alone for the rest of their life. People want to know that they have a companion they can come home to and sit down with and say this is how my day was."
But Rhule believes that although some Christians with the desire to marry get involved with unsaved individuals with the intention of introducing them to God, this does not usually work.
And Bishop Herro Blair, the founder of the Deliverance Evangelistic Association says it is recommended that people share the same biblical principles, values and virtues when they're thinking of getting together.
A marriage officer, Blair says he refuses to marry couples who are unequally yoked because it might create problems in the future. The exception is with cases where the couple was living together and the other party gets saved as well.
"The motive should not be for me to get him in the church to marry him. The motive should be allowing the soul to be saved and after salvation you can't tell what will happen," Rhule says. "There are men and women who come in for reasons like these and they don't normally stay together, they have a problem staying because once they get what they want, that's it," she says.
Rhule does not underestimate the challenges Christians face when they decide to live a life of celibacy.
"They are going to have a challenge with their various sexual needs," she says. "It does not matter how saved you are, God does not take away that part of you with your sexual desires, you are going to have it...so you would be expected to face sexual urges; having them and not being able to find an outlet."
Despite this, Rhule believes that some have employed various coping strategies to overcome this need. "If you think that okay, I know that I have a goal and I want to serve God faithfully until He provides or if He doesn't provide then I am still going to be faithful, then you will go on," she says.
And then there's the other belief that it may not be the will of God for everyone to be married stemming from a scripture in the Bible which says that God has singled out some Christians for celibacy.
Jacqueline says while it is a difficult pill to swallow, "there are some persons who have various callings on their life which means that they might have to trod alone."
Added Sheryl: "I don't believe that everyone will get married. I believe that some of us would remain single until God comes, but we have to reach a place where we are comfortable with were we are at. So if you are married that's fine, if you are not married, be happy and know that if this is the will that the Lord has for my life then so be it."
- allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com
Ladies if a did when mi single, would ah come sart out tings fi unnuh but right now it run different. Mi haff strong christian background, practically was raised in the church
Dear God, find me a husband
By NADINE WILSON all woman writer
Monday, May 26, 2008
THERE are some things that do not mix well - like oil and water or cats and dogs, biblical principles dictate that a believer and a non-believer are unequally yoked if they decide to have a relationship.
It's a perfectly logical theory, and it has for decades kept the church sterile from the world, ensuring that marriages came from within for the most part, and that proper, church sanctioned unions were the order of the day to ensure the nuclear ideal as divinely dictated.
But there is one problem some Christians say the Bible does not account for - that more and more, there are fewer men than women in the church, in some cases even, where a whole generation of young marriageable males are replaced by the old or the very young, causing concern.
Because how can one expect to stand by the Bible's principles that you are "evenly" yoked; and too, that you exercise your right to find a mate and procreate when there's no one to procreate with?
So while many Christian women play the watch and wait game, others have been rethinking the Bible's view, and with chastity and celibacy out the door, they fufil their need for family and companionship by looking outside the church for a suitable partner.
Jacqueline, who has been a Christian for the past eight years, tells all woman that she tried a relationship with a Christian brother before going outside to find her mate.
Her first relationship she says, was with a Christian man who failed to help her maintain her "principles" and did not show much commitment to the relationship as he was involved with someone else in the church. Since then she has entered into another relationship with a non-Christian who she says helps her to uphold her Christian principles.
"Although he has objections about certain things which happens within the church, he respects my principles and helps me to keep them, but at the same time he is committed to the relationship," she says.
These principles, she says, include not engaging in sex before marriage as well as engaging in meaningful Bible studies, going to church and getting involved in various ministries.
"Knowing what I came out of and knowing the unequally yoked scenario, I made sure I talked with God first before I got wrapped up into a situation that I am not supposed to be in. After talking with God and He answered, then I chose to go into the relationship and I have not regretted it," she says.
Other Christian women are impatiently waiting, some, like 29-year-old Valerie Chin, even attaching a timeline to how much longer she will wait before she opts to go mate-hunting outside.
Chin says she went back into the church two years ago with the full expectation of finding a partner and settling down after years of living "a sinner's life".
"But when I got there, the only young man in the church was the drummer. And it was obvious that all the other young women wanted him. My other option was between some old, old men, and wishing and hoping."
She said even after switching locations the struggle continues.
"I went to another church, not desperate but still searching, you know...And I was approached by what I could clearly see was the 'dun lef', the one young man who nobody else wanted, came and started lyricsing me off.(
woeeee)I would have laughed if it wasn't so sad! Now I'm giving it a few more months to see if it's worth it."Shauna Brown says that what she does is visit different churches every Sabbath, in hopes of catching the eye of someone who's marriageable.
Having just turned 31, Brown says she does not have the option of looking outside, as her father holds a high position in the church she attends.
"I feel bad, I feel hopeless sometimes because all my friends are married. The problem in my church isn't that there isn't men, it's about what they come to the table with," she says.
It's something Christian brother Christopher can relate to, as he says, on the other side of the coin, while one would expect that the brothers in the church would have much luck finding a suitable wife, this is not the case.
"It is not easy because most of them are very picky. They want the perfect man, they are looking for the fairy tale kind of thing and they will always get hurt with that," he says.
Said Brown: "I'm university educated and that's another challenge. I can't find anyone to match me on that level, and I can't settle for less. God will provide."
Joan Rhule, a counselling psychologist with the Family Life Ministries, explains the 'God will provide' theory, saying that though challenging, some single women in the church have been managing to live up to their Christian beliefs.
"There are some women who really want to get married but because of their belief in the scripture of being unequally yoked, they stay put. But although it affects them, they still remain steadfast to their values and principles of the church and they really cope by getting involved in activities and having a mindset that God would provide one day," she tells all woman.
And about the Bible's view that it is not good for an individual to lack companionship, Rhule asserts: "If God lays down a commandment, He expects that we abide by the commandment and He speaks about being unequally yoked with unbeliever and a man who is not a Christian is definitely an unbeliever."
Sheryl, a 36-year-old Christian woman knows firsthand about being tied to an unbeliever, and though still searching for a mate, is thanking God for helping her make the right decision to dump her unbelieving high school sweetheart after she got saved 12 years ago.
"It was not in the will of the Lord, so that had to be broken off. I am just waiting on God, waiting for the right person. I am waiting for a person who loves God as much as I do. If it happens, so be it, if it dosen't't happen, so be it, I will be fine," she says.
But she too expresses concern about the ratio of men to women in the church, though she has not given up on her desire to have a husband and children.
"I look at it and I say there is no man in here for me for even my eye to catch, to say okay, he could make a perfect husband. The one who you probably think could go, they married already and they gone, so you find that the church is suffering because you find less men wanting to serve God, but in the same breath, I believe that if we pray earnestly and it is a desire, then God would work on the desires of our heart if it is His will," she says.
The decision to be alone is never an easy one, Sheryl says, for her it means becoming frustrated and feeling a deep sense of loneliness at times which she is able to overcome only when she seeks advice from other Christian friends.
"At times you become frustrated. Frustrated because when you look in the church, there are no men. And when you look in the prisons they are overpopulated with them. And when you look at the bars or the race track there are so many men there you have to wonder."
This frustration she says is what lead other Christians to get involved with persons outside of the church.
"For some women, they think their biological clock is ticking and they feel that okay I need to have a child. So sometimes you find that they go outside of the church and they have their child or children and they come back...nobody wants to be alone for the rest of their life. People want to know that they have a companion they can come home to and sit down with and say this is how my day was."
But Rhule believes that although some Christians with the desire to marry get involved with unsaved individuals with the intention of introducing them to God, this does not usually work.
And Bishop Herro Blair, the founder of the Deliverance Evangelistic Association says it is recommended that people share the same biblical principles, values and virtues when they're thinking of getting together.
A marriage officer, Blair says he refuses to marry couples who are unequally yoked because it might create problems in the future. The exception is with cases where the couple was living together and the other party gets saved as well.
"The motive should not be for me to get him in the church to marry him. The motive should be allowing the soul to be saved and after salvation you can't tell what will happen," Rhule says. "There are men and women who come in for reasons like these and they don't normally stay together, they have a problem staying because once they get what they want, that's it," she says.
Rhule does not underestimate the challenges Christians face when they decide to live a life of celibacy.
"They are going to have a challenge with their various sexual needs," she says. "It does not matter how saved you are, God does not take away that part of you with your sexual desires, you are going to have it...so you would be expected to face sexual urges; having them and not being able to find an outlet."
Despite this, Rhule believes that some have employed various coping strategies to overcome this need. "If you think that okay, I know that I have a goal and I want to serve God faithfully until He provides or if He doesn't provide then I am still going to be faithful, then you will go on," she says.
And then there's the other belief that it may not be the will of God for everyone to be married stemming from a scripture in the Bible which says that God has singled out some Christians for celibacy.
Jacqueline says while it is a difficult pill to swallow, "there are some persons who have various callings on their life which means that they might have to trod alone."
Added Sheryl: "I don't believe that everyone will get married. I believe that some of us would remain single until God comes, but we have to reach a place where we are comfortable with were we are at. So if you are married that's fine, if you are not married, be happy and know that if this is the will that the Lord has for my life then so be it."
- allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com
Ladies if a did when mi single, would ah come sart out tings fi unnuh but right now it run different. Mi haff strong christian background, practically was raised in the church
The part bout di dun lef nearly kill mi!
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